``D&D?'' Script

Author: Benjamin T. Cecchetto
Co-Author: Jeremy Green

Scene 1

The entire cast is around a dimly, unnaturally lit table, playing Dungeons & Dragons. The Pope is at the end, serving as dungeon master.

Pope

The party is walking through a forest, and suddenly a Kobald jumps out onto the path and yells ``Halt! Your money or your life!''

Link

I got this one! I draw my +4 longsword of ass-kicking and do some 0wnage.

JC

We'll sit back and let you handle this one. You need the XP.

Pope

So, Link is charging at the Kobald and gets a +2 attack bonus and the Kobald prepares a special move. Roll to hit.

Link

Rolls. Aww nuts, critical miss.

Pope

Rolls. I got a natural 20. The Kobold does a kick and Link immediately falls backwards and continuing with his attack, does a rabid slap, Rolls doing 128 damage. Entire party shocked. Link, you crack your neck.

Ranger

Is that all you got? Pump that bitch full of nails! I kick his ass with my auto repeating heavy crossbow of fragging. Rolls.

Pope

Note: because the Kobald is already engaged with Link, he gets a -10 AC check.

Ranger

I got a seven.

Pope

Not only did you smash the skull and torso of the Kobald, you also left 15 bolts in Link's chest and 5 in his head. Mark down the head shots as bonus XP.

Link

Aww crud, am I dead again?

Ranger

Man, just respawn.

Pope

Respawn cycle isn't for another hour. The Kobald's corpse gets telefragged by another Kobald which is just spawning. What do you do?

Ryu

Hadouken! Rolls. 60!

Pope

Your fireball, or Hadouken, hits the people in front of you before it can get to the Kobald. You're on the back, remember? You hit Max, JC and Ranger doing 60 to each of them. Roll reflex saving throws. Oh yeah, the Kobald's dead, too.

Max Payne

(mind) The fireball looked like it was going to cut through me like a hot knife through butter. Rolls. It did. (out loud) I take two bottles of pain killers to hold down the pain.

Garrett

Whispers to Pope, inaudible

JC

Rolls. Luckily my augmentations protected me.

Ranger

Rolls; grunt. I jumped over the fireball, but it grazed me. I step on a health pack and heal up.

Link

Man, I'm thirsty. Throws boomerang, and it comes back with a Mountain Dew. I think I'll go play some Nintendo. Walks over and starts playing Zelda.

Kyo

Hopeful. Let's collect the loot.

Pope

Well, the loot from the first Kobald and Link's corpse has been telefragged and the loot on the second one has already been taken.

Everyone looks at Garrett

Garrett

Shifts his eyes Hey don't look at me. Hey, look what I found, a dragon girdle!

Everyone looks mad at Garrett

Garrett

I'm running through the forest.

Max

I'm casting a haste spell. Rolls. I got a natural 20.

Pope

Everything for you slows down 50 fold.

Max

I snipe him with my longbow.

Pope

Yeah, seeing that you have such slow time, I'll let you kill him. Garrett takes a blow to the back of his head and he's dead.

Max

(mind) I could tell he was dead from the cold stare of his hollow eyes like the twin barrels of a shotgun. (out loud) Don't mess with me, or I'll be a real Payne.

Kensou

Eating meat buns. Chokes on one. That's very good Max...Can I go now, Pope?

Pope

Yeah, sure. What do you want to do?

Kensou

Finishing off another meat bun. My character doesn't have any meat buns so let's go to town.

Max

Yeah, we can pick us up some painkillers there too, in case Sparky here decides to let off another one.

Ryu

Nah, now I'll look for a real challenge in town.

Pope

Ok. You're on your way to town and off in the distance you see a bright light above the town. The light gets brighter and closer to town and soon enough, you are blinded by a bright flash. When the flash disappears, the town is reduced to rubble. Congratulations, you managed to avoid ``The eye of God'', a meteor designed to destroy pure evil. Yeah, you're stuck again. Oh, Link, you respawned with one exception...

Link

What is it now? Damsel in distress? Lack of weapon, armor or equipment? What?

Pope

For my sheer pleasure, I've decided to respawn you as a blonde 8 year old girl.

Link flashback sequence of new Zelda preview for GC

Link

Noooo!!!

Link stops playing Nintendo and runs outside, crying. Everyone pauses and a few are suppressing their laughter except Kensou who sits there motionless.

Kensou

So...maybe we should find out who blew up the the town--

Ryu

Right, I casted magic missile to see what it does and... sorry guys, I rolled a twenty and got the ICBM.

Kensou

--and go kill him.

Ryu gulps and the party looks mad at him

Ranger

It's go time! I pump lightbulb overhere full of lead! Rolls. Boo-Yah! 19 plus 9 attack, dealing Rolls. 32 damage!

Pope

Why Ryu, I'm afraid that's way over your HP. You're a dead man!

Ryu

Shoryuken! I guess I'll take a break.

Ryu goes to the TV with some mountain dew in hand.

Pope

Ok, lets recap guys. Link is dead, Garrett's dead and now Ryu's dead too. Hrm...Very interesting...So what now?

Max

(Mind) That same question was burning in my mind for the past week. The party was now split up like a tree split in half by a lightning bolt. I had to take a stand to show that I wasn't a weak pathetic fool not knowing how to play his cards. I had to find out a way to get everyone down with one stone. I felt that I was alone. As bare as a carcass after being picked at by vultures. I was going to start to--

Pope

Max! For the sake of God, stop looking at Everquest girl's assets.

Max looks up at ceiling light.

Max

(Mind.) It seemed like the question had burned a hole in my mind. I couldn't stall any longer, I had to get rid of them like the roaches they were. I couldn't take the perplexed look on their faces anymore...Aloud. Pope, I'd like to propose a ``Deal'' with everyone.

Pope

What is it, Max?

Max

I take out my arsenal and pack some heat to the other players. It's going to be a cold winter.

Pope

Allright, everyone roll initiative.

Kensou

18 plus 4, 22.

Kyo

14 plus 2, 16.

JC

20 plus 4, 24.

Ranger

7 plus 2, 9.

Max

(Mind.) The final determining roll would be my guide and decisor to choose my destiny. Jumps off chair and rolls back onto the ground throwing his dice onto the table in bullettime Which would happen to be my death. (Aloud.) I got a 1, plus 2, 3.

Pope

Right. Well, I'm assuming everyone's going to kill Max?

Everyone nods, with one exception, Kensou doesn't nod.

Pope

Ok. Everyone but Kensou wants to fight against Max.

Ranger

Traitor! I thought you were on our side!

Kensou

I'm not a traitor, I'm just too good to fight Max. It's not worth it.

Ranger

Right! After we're through with Max, let's gut Kensou!

Everyone nods in agreement. Kensou and Max just have puzzled looks on their faces.

Five minutes later...

Max

(Mind.) The final sword slash into my gut was like an exclamation mark to everything that had lead up to that point. I had been betrayed and beaten. Like most of the scum of the earth, these diseases would continue to spread until all that is good had been corrupted. (Aloud.) Good game, you guys fought the fight of the millenium. I'm gonna take a break.

Max retires to the couch and watches TV with Ryu. On the way, a mountain dew flies from a corner of the room and Max' Bullettime senses kick in. He jumps into the air in a shootdodge fashion and catches it in mid-air. Afterwards he proceeds to the couch

Pope

Well, that was interesting. So only Kyo, JC, Ranger and Kensou are left.

Ranger

Make that Kyo, JC and myself cause I didn't forget about the traitor!

Pope

Sighs. Roll initiative.

Ranger

3 plus 2, 5! Grunt

Kyo

I got a 12 plus 2, 14.

Kensou

I rolled an 18! Plus 4! 22!

JC

I got a 7 plus 4, 11.

Kensou

What's the DC to tumble up to Ranger, punch him twice in succession, kick him twice, invert and twirl kick him up into the air as I follow him up, kicking him to do a total of 24 hits?

Pope

I would say around 35.

Kensou

This is going to be close, I've only +18 in tumble. Rolls. Yatta-de! I rolled a 19!!

Pope

Kensou pulls off the 24-hitter on you Ranger, and what's left of your corpse is not enough to identify your body.

Ranger

Curse you! I don't believe this. I can take on hell, Strogg outposts but not this worm of a person!...Good game, Kensou.

Ranger sits on the chair by the couch, begins to watch tv while drinking Mountain Dew

Kyo

At last, Kensou. You and I are close enough to alone. I sneak attack Kensou and rid the world of him once and for all! Rolls. Bye bye.

Kensou

You're kidding me? Jeeze, I'm out.. Besides, I'm also outta meat buns. I'm going to the grocery store to pick some more up.

Kensou leaves the house.

JC

False move, Kyo. Little do you realize that I, although nanotechnologically augmented, also have morals. Consider yourself endtrails.

Kyo

You.... You can't be serious...You must be some kind of killing machine!

JC

I do my best. Rolls. Adding up all my dice and attack bonuses and compensating for your position. Looks at dice. I do 342 damage to you.

Kyo gasps in astonishment and runs to the corner of the TV room.

Pope

Congratulations JC, You're the victor of this round. Oh wait, what weapon did you use?

JC

Gas Grenades, why?

Pope

You fool, you kill yourself as well from the splash damage. Well, actually, you killed him with the grenade's hit and then it bounced back and went off in your face.

JC

That's a lie and you know it.

Pope

It's all in the dice...

Scene 2

Everyone but Kensou and Link are in the room playing or watching people play Dead or Alive 2: Hardcore.

Pope

Muttering to self. Wow.. This game sure beats all the underage porn I've been downloading...

JC

What was that, Pope?

Pope

Er...I said, I think it's about time we order pizza!

Kyo

Yes, yes! Pizza!

JC

Yeah yeah!

Ranger

Woo woo! Party at Pope's!

Ryu

Shoryuken! Party!!

Max has a twitch in his eye and turns the Max Payne face on.

Pope

Ok, I'll take that as a sex- I mean yes, yes!

Pope orders the pizza, meanwhile, outside the house Kensou goes outside and meets Link.

Kensou

Why did you run out crying? I thought you were a hero.

Link

Heroes sometimes cry when someone hits their weakness.

Kensou

Aw...It's only a game, Link. You can't really be turned into an 8 year old powerpuff girl like in that nasty new Zelda game.

Link

I guess you're right. But still, that wasn't very nice of him.

Kensou

No, it wasn't. Tell ya what, when we go back in there, we're going to show him a piece of what Link can really do!

Link

Alright!

Kensou

But I have to make a trip to the store first.

Link

What for?

Kensou

What am I not eating right now?

Link

Oh...

After a long walk with many random encounters along the way, the Link and Kensou team finally get to the grocery store and stand 50 yards away.

Kensou

Remember what I told you to do.

Link

I will.

Kensou readies his backpack and Link readies his sack. The duo runs into the store. 5 minutes later, from same camera angle, Link and Kensou run out of the store with bags full of meat buns. Shop owner comes out afterwards yelling and cursing at the two.

The duo enters the house and goes to the playing area.

Pope

Hey guys, got what you went for?

Kensou

Yep, although the service was bad. I don't thing I'll shop there anymore.

Link and Kensou grins.

Pope

Well you're just in time for pizza.

Max

Mind. The emptiness in my stomach was like the chamber of my beretta just after the clip had been emptied. I figured it was about time to reload the gun. Aloud. Pope, the pizza hasn't come yet.

Pope

Hasn't it?

Doorbell rings, Pope goes and pays pizza delivery guy. The guy looks puzzled and confused and walks back to his car.

Pope goes to the playing area and opens up the 3 boxes of pizza.

Pope

Alright, dig in!

Everyone goes and takes a couple slices of pizza.

Pope

Oh, and I rented a movie for us to watch: Predator 2.

Everyon

Y-Yay...

Pope

From that response, I take it no one has seen it yet. So all the more reason to watch it. It's my 34th time watching it. Smiles.

Cast watches movie. Near the end, in the predator ship, trouble brews anew...

Link

Oh that's so biased, an Alien would so win over a Predator!

JC

I highly doubt that. The Predator has so many augmentations like shoulder cannon upgrades, the disc, the net and-.

Link

But being based too much on technology makes him subject to not knowing how to act when it's disabled.

Kensou

Actually, the Predator does have a wristblade he uses.

Link

Only to pick people up and stab them after he incapacitated them or if he's skinning their skulls.

Max

Mind. The debate was about as useless as the guy that tries and comes in my way when I'm pumping lead out of my Berettas. It wasn't going anywhere. I had to say something fast or else it might continue on the whole night. I didn't know much to say, as I wasn't in to sci-fi very much, working in the force and all. I trusted my guns with my life, not my taste in mov-

Pope

Max, for christ's sake! How many times have I told you to stop staring at Everquest girl's assets!

Max

One, now two times.

Pope

Well can you stop it!? What are you thinking about when you stare anyway?

Max

It's beyond your comprehension.

Pope

Fine, then tell me what isn't beyond my comprehension and tell us all who, in your opinion, is better: Predator or Alien.

Max

I think we can settle this argument with a duel-

JC

I'm going to kick your ass, Link.

Link

Bring it on! My sword versus your augs!

Max

Mind. The violence gathering was getting stronger and stronger like the baddies as I progress in an office building. Aloud. I meant a duel between Alien and Predator.

Pope

How could we do that?

Everone looks around, clueless for a minute or two.

Ryu

A...A game?

Everyone

Yes!

Kyo

But, but what game?

Everone looks around, clueless for another minute or two.

Pope

What manner of game can have an Alien versus a Predator.

Everone looks around, clueless for yet another minute or two.

Pope

I've got it! I have this game Aliens versus Predator that's multiplayer and you can actually duel with them!

Kyo

Baka! If it were so obvious, why didn't you tell us before?

Pope looks around, clueless for a minute or two.

Pope

I...I don't know...Lets just duel, Ok? Who's it going to be?

Ryu

I think it should be Link and JC, seeing that they started the whole argument.

Pope

Agreed, so each of you will have 15 minutes to practice with your species and then the multiplayer game will begin!

Cast goes up to computers and watches each person train. Kensou, Ryu and Kyo watch Link, while Ranger, Max and Garrett watch JC. Pope is alternating between the two.

Pope

Alright, it's been 15 minutes. The fraglimit's 11 and no mercy!

Actual game plays. About 15 minutes later, JC emerges victorious.

Link

Good game, have you played it before?

JC

No, but my nanotechnology makes it impossible for you to win because I could tell where you were and what you were doing by listening to the frequency of your monitor.

Link

Uh...Yeah...You do that...

Pope

Well, I hope it's proven to you: Predator is better than Alien.

Everyone goes back to playing area.

Link

Wait a sec...You were tuning in on my monitor?

JC

Yes, I was.

Link

Cheater!

JC

Are you calling me a cheater?

Link

Yes, you knew exactly where I was to shoulder canon the general area of where I was!

JC

Oh you are so dead if you're calling me a cheater!

Link

Then I guess I'm a dead man!

Link runs up to JC stabs him in the chest just as JC shoots Link in the head with a pistol.

Ranger

Dude, that was so messed. It really was obvious that Predator is better. They didn't have to kill each other over it.

Kensou

But he was cheating!

Max

Mind. I had to get out of here, I could tell things were going to take yet another turn for the worse. I didn't want my hide to be involved. I slowly backed towards the door, taking the time it takes to kill someone by beating them in the leg with a baseball bat. I had to--

Max trips on a pop can, setting off a chain reaction of bullets, fists, daggers and fireballs. As soon as he heard, Max threw a grenade not knowing what was happening or who it would hit. After that throw, Max died of a dagger that ricocheted off the ceiling and into his neck. Garrett died of a stray fireball. Kyo died from a kick to the face, snapping his neck. Ryu died from a dagger. Kensou died from a series of nails in his chest and Ranger died from a fire-uppercut. Pope and Everquest girl were the only two survivors. Pope tried taking advantage of the 2D figure when suddenly a grenade flew over the couch and plastered Pope right in the face, leaving the initials MP marking his forehead. As the grenade dropped, Pope tried to flee with Everquest girl but was too late, the grenade went off and everyone wa dead. The stench of death loomed and no one was there to retell the tale...

Scene 3

Just as the hand of death had begun to settle in, one by one, the corpses began to just disappear. As this happened, the weapons and marks on the walls and such disappeared as well. suddenly there was a bright light at one of the corners. Another light appeared at the opposing corner and then all four corners had lit up with a strange gleen glow. Out of the lights came Link, JC, Kensou and Garrett. The four that came out sat down and then 4 others came out; Ryu, Max, Kyo and Ranger. They sat down and then Pope and Everquest Girl came out and sat down.

Ranger: Dude, what the hell was that?
JC: What's the matter? Never respawned?
Ranger: Not like that, no. Usually I just appear with particles around me.
Max: Mind. The respawn procedure was like a cultural shock. It was frightening and I didn't know how to handle it. I've never encountered it before and it felt weird. Something strange that I somewhat fear and I cannot understand. Aloud. I don't respawn, I just start off where I last quicksaved.
Link: Same here.
Pope: What's with respawning? When I die, another guy claims to be pope.
Kensou: I don't respawn either, I just fall down and get back up.
Ryu: Same.
Pope: Wait a sec: how did you guys even get here? I mean, you're all fictional characters in a non-fiction world...It doesn't even make any sense at all! Why did all of you appear at my house?
Max: Mind. The irony of the situation was that the same thing happened to me. It was as if it was a mortar that leapfrogged from one target to the next.Aloud. I can tell you why I'm here, the same situation happened to me, in my world...

Max's Flashback

Max enters his house.

Max

Honey, I'm home!

No answer...

Max

My call went unanswered. I looked a little further and there was a six pack of pop on the floor. I thought it was time to call the cops.

Max goes to pick up phone. The line's dead. There's one message on his machine.

Machine

Girl voice Honey, there are a group of guys here and they're drinking all the pop and eating all the snacks and-- Sounds of struggle. Faint voice Let me back into my house. Male voice Hey Max, bet you didn't expect this. Party at Max's. In background Party at Max's! Party!

Max

The sound of the brute sent shivers down my spine. I could only think of what was going to happen next. So I took out my barettas and went downstairs, where I assumed was where the ``Party'' took place. I was shocked by what I found next.

Max goes downstairs and notices piles of pizza boxes, pop cans and food stains on some of the walls. He also noticed his Ping-pong table had been desecrated on and a fat man was asleep on his couch. He went up to the computer and booted up his linux box.

Max

I was sure that they wouldn't touch my Linux box, but after the BIOS POST'ed, what I saw made my gut feel like I was hit with a baseball bat.

The screen booted up with a ``Windows 98'' logo, and the startup sound was none other than ``Party at Max's, Party at Max's!''

Max

Noooo!!!!

Scene 3, Continued

Max

I came to take revenge on those foul beasts that bastardized my computer and trashed my basement. But seeing that you people cannot be killed, it seems my journey was in vain.

Pope

Well, that explains a lot. Why is everyone else here?

JC

My augmented vision must've led me to the wrong house.

JC takes out his flashlight and leaves, wearing his sunglasses.

Pope

Uh...Ok. How about you, Link? You mostly have a good excuse to go on journeys.

Link

Not really this time. I'm sick and tired of saving that princess. She never shows the slightest bit of attention towards me except for me saving her. She can save herself, she does have a third of the Triforce anyway.

Pope

Fair enough.

Kensou

They took me out of Marvel Vs. Capcom 2!

Garrett

My game's developers shut down!

Kyo

They couldn't make me jump well in Marvel Vs. Capcom 2!

As everyone was shouting out excuses at Pope, he became dizzy, nauseous and started spinning in circles around the group.

Pope

No!!!! No more, get out of my house, out of my house! No!!

Everyone disappears, Andy wakes up from his sleep

Andy

No!!! Oh! It was only a dream. Just a dream. Too many games. Too many games...

Looks at the clock, reading 2 AM

Andy

Jeeze. Only 2. I wonder if Ben and Jeremy are in for some late night quaking.

Andy, dressed from before he went to sleep, goes downstairs to his computer and onto ICQ. ``Stratius'' and ``Coolguywithgun'' are online.

Andy

<pfft> Hey Ben wanna q2 on q2dm1?

Ben

<Stratius> Rock and roll, for sure! :D, btw still comin for d&d tomorrow? Jeff's got souvenirs for us from Japan! He'll give you yours! He got me a fscking mini-sword! It's so sweet!

Andy

<pfft> Sure thing, meet on my IP's 24.109.111.64 tell Jer to come too.

Ben

<Stratius> K, See ya soon. Lets blitz!

Andy

<pfft> Did you even beat FFX yet?

Ben

<Stratius> Yeah...<sob> such a sad ending...

Andy

<pfft> Bah, crybaby...see ya on.

Andy creates a server on Quake 2. Camera zooms in on Ben in his room playing guitar, playing DOA2, talking to Mike on the phone and chatting to Jeremy.

Ben

<Stratius> Jer go on andy's IP Q2, the edge. 24.109.111.6 Bye.

Ben starts playing Quake 2 as well.

Ben

So Mike, coming tomorrow? D&D and DOA, you haven't tried it yet but it's fun.

Mike

Dood, sure, sounds like a blast.

Ben

Rock and Roll.

Cast

Dave Andrews: Kensou
J.P. Caissie Parsons: Garrett
Ben Cecchetto: Link
Jeff Chow: Kyo
Jeremy Green: Max Payne
Owen Kolasky: JC Denton
Mike Kostecki: Ranger
Andy Phan: Pope
Photoshop: Everquest girl
Ken Yip: Ryu

About this document ...

``D&D?'' Script

This document was generated using the LaTeX2HTML translator Version 2K.1beta (1.47)

The command line arguments were:
latex2html -split 0 -no_navigation script.tex

The translation was initiated by Benjamin T. Cecchetto on 2002-08-04

Benjamin T. Cecchetto 2002-08-04